The President,

Moorabbin West CC.

Dear Sir,

I would be obliged if you considered my application in response to your audacious, even shameless recruitment advert on the chat site of a club that is aimed primarially at players within the DDCA. You, no doubt, are a cheeky fellow with thick skin, so you should welcome me and my mates.

My team mates considered me a "see ball, hit ball" batsman who loved flaying bowlers to all parts -- especially over the boundary -- and at one time I held my club's record for most sixes in a season while enjoying our homegound advantage at Hemmings Reserve. I also have some experience as a captain and my beguiling legspin figures include a hat-trick! I know I'm skiting but hec, one has to, to get appointed!

I will bring along five seasoned campaigners as well to bolster your club's list: Robbo, a former club captain/coach and top order batsman and medium-fast bowler who holds the record for bowling over the most pills; Moe, a left-arm opening bowler who will also score for the team using incredible colour combos and scribbles that cannot be deciphered by the opposition (or anyone else, for that matter); Wombat, who will ensure the punters in the team have their bets laid before each race while he patrols the boundary talking non-stop to any and everyone; Snagger, who will befuddle the opposition with his slow mediums around the wicket that arrive after the batsman has completed his shot; Big K, who will open the attack and swing the pill from a great height while intimidating the opposition with his wiskers.

I will be brutally honest and say my prime days are behind me so my heavily discounted fee will be $5000 plus incentives (which I will need to get going). And, as recruiter, I will require another $5000 to spread between my mates, who will charge you nothing, except a couple of slabs a week, plus a few top quality coffees for the big fella and me.

The experience you will get on an off the field is immeasurable. Besides the contributions with bat and ball, guys like Robbo, Moe and Wombat will sledge the pants off opposition players and supporters alike so they become easy prey for your other players.

I look forward to hearing from you so that I can have my creams drycleaned and ready to go before the first indoor practice session -- I presume you do have them? -- for next season. We all love the indoor sessions when we will certainly "bend the arm".  You will assuredly ehance your reputation by hiring our services.

Yours insincerity,

W. Smith