President,

Chadstone Harlequin CC.

Yo Justin,

I was gonna akse me hifulutin mate to scramble me appliance for the captain/coach job youse blurbed on here but im given it a go meself cause I see the first ting youse want is "an ability to communicate well with others".

Ritin the mother tongue is not me caper but by golly I am ace in communicatin in the most up front way. A shirtfront will do every time. None of the mollycoddlin stuff with weezel words. Blokes get the hang amazinly quick.

Me leadership qualities are amazin. Me troops learn in one session to follow me into the valley of death, bowlers to the right, batters to the left . . . walla, we have 600.

Requirement no. 3 is a piece of pizz. I run the most demandin training camps without settin foot in Arizona, so they are cheap as chips too. At the end of the boot camp, our lads with be as tough as ole boots, or nails watever, which wraps into no. 4, cause the tougher they are the better they become.

As fe no.5, you will have heaps more Harlequinies available to do other stuff like cleanin the loo an pickin up the spittle and snot and bottle tops and ciggie butts cause there aint no need for committees and selection panels when I'm on board. Me, Im a one man badarse band.

But ive gotta fes up that no. 6 has me scratchin me baldin pate cause it reads I gotta "Be able to build on a steadily growing culture of success and hard work".

Now, Jus, how can that be when earlier youse said you have "three sides, 2 in the SDCCL (Menzies Shield and Third Grade) and a Veterans team in BHRDCA.

"We are coming off a pretty successful season, with our Vets winning the flag, and the Seconds making a prelim final."

Mate, if the best youse have got is your seconds makin the prelim final in the thirds, and the ole has-been vets winning a flag, there's a helleva lot of boot camp to go before your main mob will scrub up even half decent.

Worse, mate, how do ya build on rather than build a steadily growing culture and hard work if ya first XI "have underachieveved for quite a few years now and we are looking for someone to turn them around"?

But I do have the answer: as sure as your mum and dad got together to have youse, Im right fer the gig.

I will light a bomb under the slackarses thatll make em explode on the field.

Youse can contact me through me agent,whose kindly allowed me to use this slot to communique with youse.

With deepest respect to youse and yourse,

Mongoose.

PS: If I get the gig, Wombat, Koala and Crock say theyll come too. But warn the lads that to avoid any physical comebacks from me, they have licence to shorten me moniker to the first syllable but never the second. To alert them to the danger, refer then to the Oxford dictionary (yep, ive had a gander) meaning of me full name. In the spirit of fun, Ill even accept icheumon.

TGO, very nice of you to ask but I would hate to rip it off the incumbent. I understand he's wedded to the gig and I don't like seeing grown men cry, or kick and scream. Best leave sleeping dogs lie. But I'm always open for backroom advice!

Surely you're not burnt out TGO? Four-O is little different to 34. Or like many before you, has the Missus delivered the inevitable ultimatum?

Anyway, I'll keep my powder dry until your club officially calls for applications like the good folk from Harlequins and the other mob and then I'll make my move! 

well done on your coaching career tgo. how many premierships, five?

regretfully, i must pass on replacing you, despite your encouragement, as i feel my tough training regime is not suited to the cattle you have. not only will it break the champion t-model's dicky knee but it will destroy all the old blokes still carrying the side -- which would defeat the purpose. so, you see, i am actually doing you a favour.

however, i do have a suggestion. choo choo would be a good choice. he would immediately feel right at home with the toy train tracks so handy on which he could have a relaxing run before taking training, and then a cooling down run after to let off all the accumulated steam. toot toot.

TGO, what say you re the coaching position? The jungle drums tell me your lot have got their man.

joey from the genus macropus mob normally with good intel on your mob wispered in my ear but didn't have a name, so hoped you could provide one.